I like the term “tribe” – probably because I have a huge need to be part of a community that exists with the purpose to support, love, challenge, respect and accept others in the tribe.  It is much more than just a casual group of friends – these are folks that you feel safe with, love being around and will be the ones that you can call at 2am when you need to make a run to 7-11 for a Slurpee and Skittles.  Just because everyone needs a Slurpee & Skittles at 2am (at least in my world).

My life has been void of a tribe for 17 years – and I thought the void was 100% self-imposed.  What I am finding out is that it was primarily crafted through the long-term relationship I have been involved in.  Keeping secrets that you know you can’t tell because of fear is a huge motivator to not have close friends.  As well, not being “allowed” to have close friends or have folks come visit is a classic trait of abusive relationships.

My world might look like yours – very isolating and lonely – gut-wrenching lonely.  By our nature of being human, we are part of a species (Mammals) that can’t thrive without appropriate species interaction.  So the longer I stayed in the abusive relationship, the more isolated I was.

As I am forging my way past the “what happened” to the “what’s next” stage in my life, I have had to overcome any anxiety and fear I have in associating with folks that are of like kinship to me.  It should not be as scary as I am finding it – at my heart I am a very gregarious creature.  I love people and love hanging out with folks that are fun, interesting and have my back.

But, it is scary.  Really scary.  Really, really scary.

My bondage years of life had created a world in which I was very much fearful of anyone finding out the secrets.  I was terrified of anyone finding out what the heck was really going on in the “great house, great cars, awesome vacations and fantastic job” world I was living in.  Those of you who can relate – you know that fear.  It is overwhelming…and, I can tell you from this side of it now – it is really frightening.  No one really knew me and the couple of folks that did know me, really only knew what I told them (which was nothing).

Fast forward to the time that I decided I was done with that relationship.  I was terrified of everything – on the outside, you would never know.  But inside my soul, I was so lost and had no idea where to turn to get support of any form.  And, I really needed support – I was a mess.  A big mess.  One that needed much more than a broom and dustpan to pick up the pieces…

But, I also knew that I had a chance to turn my fear into something positive – something much better than what I had.  I was determined to make the next journey in my life one that I could be safe and supported.  I had to believe that there was a better world out there and just maybe I could be a participant versus an observer.

It took me a while to really understand that I needed a tribe.  All I knew is that I felt alone and unwanted as well as afraid.  The many parallel paths I had to go down during this time really helped me find a tribe but I also did my part.  I sucked up my fear and began to reach out to folks very timidly.  I was not sure what I was looking for – but, I just needed something to fill the void and help me heal in a positive way.

Fortunately for me, I found a group of women that were like-minded within a study group I joined.  Joining the group was a big step for me and not one that I really wanted, but one that proved to be instrumental in my healing and recovery.

My tribe is a collection of women bound together by a common interest.  It is super cool – these women are fantastically wonderful and unique and each one of them brings a different perspective to our tribe.  They are brave, courageous, soulful, spiritual and incredibly fierce in their love and devotion to the rest of our tribe.

They all understand that we live in a really mean world that only wants to kill and destroy everything good.  They understand that sometimes, for no reason at all, you need to appear at their house and just hang.  They understand that even when you don’t shed a tear that your soul is hurting to the point that going on living does not seem a possibility.  Many times, they have no clue how to help you – so, they give you a “just because” care package of a plush Sloth (because everyone has to love Sloths).

These folks have had my back and are some of the most accepting & supportive women I have ever been around.

Go find your tribe.  Be bold and confident about finding your tribe.  Your tribe is out there waiting for you to find them.  Your tribe is going to be defined by folks that are linked by some sort of tie – – – a common faith or culture, belief system or folks that are on a similar journey that you are on.  Practically, it is a church group, Bible study group, book club or even a formal society of folks.

Since this world is really mean, your tribe will help protect you from this terribly mean world.  You will also be able to help them through their journey in this mean world.

Even if you have never had a tribe or even experienced a group of like-minded folks —- go seek them out.  Be brave and prayerful in your search.

Your tribe is out there…waiting for you.

Go find them…

I love the Elton John and Tim Rice musical, Aida.  It is a classic story of star-crossed lovers (Aida and Radames) and their forbidden love.  The young lover’s undying love finds them both buried alive, together, for all of eternity.

In one scene, the lovers are in a dialogue about the life they could have had but will never have. Aida tells Radames, “You talk as though you’ve been enslaved. If you don’t like your fate, change it! You are your own master, there are no shackles on you.”

A bit melodramatic – how could it not be with both of them ending up being buried alive?  Despite the melodrama, the story holds some great truths.

1. You are the only one holding yourself back (“…you have no shackles on you…”). You might not think this because your situation is beyond what you could have ever imagined (or, what anyone else could have imagined).  Your circumstances could be a bad relationship, wrong job, family issues or any other type of “bad” situation.

 

You don’t see any possible way that you can get out of your current state of captivity or that bondage (bad situation) because the unknown of where you might end up is much too scary to even think about.

Turn that around – you have the right to not be captive by anything or anyone.  And, by moving forward and unshackling yourself – you will always end up in a place much better than your current state because you are not in bondage any longer.

 

2. You can create change. Maybe you have sat around for weeks, months or years because you were paralyzed with the fear of changing your current state.  Change is scary – really scary sometimes.  I know because I sat in my self-induced paralysis for almost 17 years.

 

But walking through that fear is sort of like those crazy folks that walk on hot coals.  Noted, I have never walked on hot coals – however, I understand that the reason the coals don’t burn or harm the walker is that before the person walks through the burning coal, they make sure their feet are very wet.  This moisture, when the foot hit the coals, forms a protective gas layer underneath the foot.  A way to think about it is like an air hockey puck on an air hockey table.

 

Somehow you need to find that layer of protection and/or safety so that you can create change.  For me, it was reaching out to the right folks that I felt safe with and letting them be part of the change.  Even reaching out to folks was very scary to me because it meant I had to have a bit of trust in them – and trust is a very difficult topic for many people (including me).

 

3. Not making a decision is a decision. Usually, not being proactive in making a decision in your life will force a destination on you that you don’t like.  Said more simply – if you allow your life to be a series of non-decisions, then what you will end up with is definitely not what you really wanted.

 

Make a decision and then be prepared to have to alter or adjust that decision once made.  Just because you make a decision, it does not mean that you must stick with that decision over the long haul.  You can make adjustments to that decision at any given time.

 

Don’t let your fear hold you back.  There is nothing holding you back except your perceived shackles.  Make decisions and know that you will make mistakes and make wrong decisions.  That’s ok – because each time you make a decision you are moving closer to creating the change that will help get you to get on with your life.

 

Be at peace and move forward –

“Not for everything that is given to you, can you really be grateful.  You can’t be grateful for war, or violence, or domestic violence, or sickness…but, in every moment you can be grateful.

For instance, the opportunity to learn something from a very difficult experience, or to grow by it, or even to protest, to stand up and take a stand.  That is a wonderful gift.”

Brother David Steindl-Rast, Benedictine Monk & Teacher

“The practice of gratitude is simple and accessible to us all, without simplifying what it takes to find peace in a complex world.”